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[Jedidiah]

Laziness is a sickness that creeps in slowly and before you know it, begins to destroy everything in your life. Everyone has something they struggle with that's an addiction for them, whether its porn, cutting, lying, smoking, drinking, drugs, cheating, stealing, gluttony, shopping, TV, video games, books... the list goes on and on.... if it is your world... it's probably a sickness for you and it could easily destroy your world too. Sicknesses soon take our attention off of everything else... all that matters is us and what we want to do... we lose ourselves in it, we find our identity in it and we're afraid of who we would be without it.

My sickness is laziness... it started back in high school and it has progressed to nearly destroying everything. I've tried "giving it over" but I never successfully get rid of it. I love my friends and family, but I'm not good at keeping in contact with them because of my laziness. I can give plenty of excuses but I can't cover up the real truth... I'm just flat out lazy... and let's be frankly honest... it's mainly a control issue. I want to do what I want to do more than anything else... and that makes me mad... so why don't I just stop being lazy, right?

I wish it was that easy. I've tried "just stopping it" but it's a snare I have done a real good job of tangling myself up in. It's not that easy... "Yes it is." you say... but name something you don't like about yourself... there's your snare... now I could say the same to you.... but I've realized it's not that easy... but we like to think it is. Not doing something is a real battle... to get out of a snare like that... it's a fight you have to actually *fight*. I can't just pray it away... I can't expect God to make it that easy for me. What would I learn? Nothing. I can't rely fully on myself because I will fail... so how do I fix myself... I don't. I give up power and control over my life. I've tried doing it on my own and all I do is make it worse... but I have to be determined to work hard for my goals and when I'm too weak to go on, I need to rely on God's strength to help me keep going so I don't relapse. So, I can't rely on God to do all the work and I can't rely on my own strength. There has to be a balance... relationships are two sided and are supposed to balance... not be work more on one side than on the other. Putting all the work on God really isn't fair... plus that brings us back to laziness... we don't want to do the work... which makes us lazy. We always want the easy way out, fortunately, that's not how it works... no matter how badly we *think* we want it to be easy. You're more proud of something when you work for it.

I finally realized why my laziness has gotten as bad as it has. A while back I was hurt more deeply than I ever have been and I turned my back on God telling Him, "it's not you, its people who call themselves Christians but all they are is hypocritical... I don't want to be associated with 'Christians' if that's what being a Christian is... finding ways to tear each other down..." Now, I'm not saying that's how things were... but that's what my perception was. I didn't realize then, that was going to drastically change my relationship with God and everyone I love. It's amazing how long it takes sometimes, to realize things... that lead me down a road of not caring for myself and I became more selfish about my relationships... I stopped caring about staying in contact with people because I felt like I was doing all the work. Which isn't the case either... but, that was my perception at the time... so I became more lazy... which lead to becoming more selfish... which lead to being depressed... which lead to not wanting to talk to anyone... which lead to becoming more irritable... it leads to so many things... and you get more entwined in this sinful routine... and you know you're not ok... but you think... at least I'm not where that person is... which makes room for pride... ouch... that's a hard fall when you get a reality check.

Brent and I went to Glad Tidings in Omaha last Sunday and that was definitely where I was supposed to be. The pastor's message was about righteousness... he said a lot of things that hit home for me. He talked about the commandments and how they're not there to give us a guideline on how *good* we're doing... or how righteous we are because we follow the commandments... we have all broken the commandments in either word or deed at some point in our lives... the commandments are there to show us how dirty we really are. No matter how "good" we are, we are still sinners. Doing all the right things isn't what makes us righteous. Being right with God, in every area, and having the righteousness of the Righteous One, Jesus, is the only way we will ever be righteous. We have to accept his righteousness. We have to accept him as King of our lives.

You have to take responsibility for things that happen in your life. You have to accept you are where you are because of choices you have made. I could hold grudges against people in my life for things that were done to me, but it just holds me back. I could have done some things very differently and my outcome could have been very different... good or bad, I'm not sure. I have learned to love myself despite my flaws... and I'm always finding new ones... I can either change them or live life the same way I have been and just complain about how awful things are and allow them to just get worse.

I have a choice. I can do something to change it, or I can blame anyone, including Satan, as a reason I am where I am... "The devil made me do it" doesn't work. You still have the power of choice... I still have the power of choice... and our choices affect all those around us.

I have asked for forgiveness of my laziness time and time again and have made the commitment to do better but I never do. Why? Fear. I know God can do something powerful through me if I would work towards it like I used to. I don't just have faith, I've *seen* Him at work before. You can reason it out, call me crazy, or just plainly say I'm making it up, but I know the truth. I know spiritual warfare is real. I know what I have seen and experienced on a personal level. It isn’t make believe and it’s not just faith alone for me.


Lately I have been having horrible daydreams and terrible nightmares. I feel like I live my life in fear lately. I seem to be scared of everything. I don’t have the assurance in the power of the Lord like I used to. My laziness has cost me that. What will it take to get me really motivated to stop living in this hell I have made my home? What will it take to make me really FIGHT for change and do MY part to stop being lazy? What will it take to realize my fears of what I could be are better to face than these fears I live in today? Keep me scared so I won’t move… but push hard enough, I will fight back… but when will that come?

I think the first step is seeing everything as a whole. I see laziness... and I see what has spawned from that... it's all connected to this one sin that began as something small, something I thought was innocent and I had control over. Come to find out, any sin starts as something small and innocent looking that we figure we have control over, but let's stop kidding ourselves, we don't have control over anything sinful.. even if it starts off as something little. I'm learning that.

But I won't be destroyed. God has something big instore for my life, that's why He created me... that's why He created all of us. We have a purpose... but are we trying hard to avoid it because we aren't sure where our road is going, or what is expected of us, or possibly even failing. Well my friends, I have blown it a good one this time... but there is always a chance to make it right. But I can't do it alone. I need people to keep me accountable to doing what I need to be doing consistantly. Everyday is a struggle. I might do well for a week, or a month, or a year... etc... but that doesn't mean I don't have the capability to stumble, fall or even fail.

I felt I needed to be honest and very transparent. God has ripped down the blinds I was so happy to have covering my eyes to where I stand today... and how I got here. I knew I could be better, but I was ok with being blind. I didn't want to admit I was the cause of everything I was feeling.

To my friends, family, and church family, I am truely sorry for not giving you my best. I'm sorry for hurting you all and making you feel like I don't care, because I do. I care about each and every one of you very much. I didn't intentionally ponder ways to hurt the people I love, but I did none the less and I am truely sorry. I hope you can forgive me for it. I love you all, very much, and you are very important to me.

[Shawn O]

You are righting wrongs and destroying the works of the devil. Expose the darkness, shine the light in there and it vanishes...He can only work in secret, so continue to shout from the rooftops and expose his lies that way he will have no foothold on you. This is awesome, keep it up!